A lot has changed in the last year for me, for our little family. A year ago today we experienced, not our only one, but certainly our most traumatic pregnancy loss. I think the hardest thing, the thing that will always cause the most guilt and heartache is knowing that we had a healthy embryo in the right spot… it was another one that ruptured the fallopian tube which left me requiring emergency life-saving surgery. Recovery physically took weeks and emotionally I suspect I’ll always feel grief on the anniversary of both the day we lost the pregnancy(s) as well as the due date.
I don’t believe situations like that are ever “meant to be” or whatever other cliche sentiments you may have heard regarding pregnancy loss (side note, please never ever say that or anything like that to someone who has experienced pregnancy loss it holds no comfort and can make the recipient feel like they deserve the pain… though an acknowledgement of the grief, the pregnancy, the pain is often appreciated by women in that situation as it can be a terribly lonely journey).
However, It was certainly a catalyst for a lot of change both professionally and personally. I may come back to photographing for others at some point after this baby arrives but for now, I’m content just creating documenting our lives and creating images for Stocksy (a stock photo agency) and weaving and spinning my days away. If you’ve been following along with our journey you’ll know we opted to do IVF after the last loss along with being diagnosed with endometriosis to give ourselves the best chance of a successful pregnancy and here we are, one year on, with a healthy pregnancy in progress and an ever-expanding bump… hopefully the little one loves the country lifestyle we are now living (buying our new old home was definitely one way to keep my mind occupied while going through that process).
This little human growing inside of me is currently riding high on a sugar rush, from the gestational diabetes test I took this morning, The kicks are strong and provide much-needed reassurance on a day like today. I anticipated that I’d have mixed emotions but nothing prepared me for how strong they’d be. So, today is about self-care, acknowledging that loss and giving myself permission to bond with, and celebrate this baby and it’s also about indulging in a lot of puppy cuddles. I took some photos because it feels like a milestone kind of day. Ben, unfortunately, has a long day at work so I’ll have to rope him into some bumpdate photos another day 🙂